Drunk on hope.

I received news today. I'm not sure whether it's good news or bad news, but nevertheless it is news.
I can't dance for another two weeks. boo!
God has taught me many things since my last post. Things like "Shut up and listen" all the way down to: "Do you love me?" "Of course I love you!" "feed my sheep" you know how it goes.
My biggest struggle currently is finding happiness and fulfilment during this time.
Being active makes me happy, doing activities makes me happy. Sitting on the couch does not do it for me. T.V. doesn't either. Being the "Crip" is no fun.
Gimpy is not Becca. I don't slow down. Not for anything. Not ever. Not this time. Wait....yep. This time I have to. There's another lesson. Maybe to be the person I'm working so hard to be I need to stop. breathe. and think. Not to be confused with breathing while thinking about not stopping. a.k.a. usual Becca style.
Sitting and talking with God, listening, and hearing what I need to hear has been really hard. I'm not going to lie, it's still not happening the way I know He wants. Why is it so hard for me to stop? What do I have to lose? I have EVERYTHING to gain. That's the reality.
I know God will heal me, in his time, on his watch. I am drunk on hope that I get better tomorrow, but let's face it. It's probably not going to happen. I am not a superior being. If it takes 4-6-8 weeks to heal a bone, I'm human just like everyone else, and it's going to take that long for me to heal too. What was I thinking?
I was thinking "not me. not a dancer. not my job that I love."
It is me. It does stink.
Dear Becca, life is not a fairytale. Not for you. Not for Cinderella. Not for anyone.

Let's all take in a huge dose of reality. Here it is, on a spoon, open wide:
Turn off the computer and other distractions, dust off that Bible, read it, and pray.
It's truly amazing what you will discover.

Tired and Broken.

Well...It's been a couple of months since my last post. It is absolutely crazy how things change so fast. I was right about a few things. I feel empty with my two besties not being with me every day. I'm so excited for one to get married, but I don't want to share her, even though I know that is selfish. Also, it doesn't help the fact that I most likely won't have a date to her wedding, because I wouldn't take just anyone. that was selfish too...huh?

On that note, I met a WONDERFUL guy. (cue pretty music now) yep. However, for God's reasoning...or his... the timing wasn't right, (Stop music) and I don't know why I thought that a relationship could bloom from a very brief friendship. duh. Those usually don't work out and are called "flings." I don't know anymore, but the Becca I used to know would NEVER have a "fling" and be okay with that. So, there's another wake up call: Base relationships on strong friendships.

ok, I found her. Becca is back. whew.

looking back at previous post (which I feel really silly about now btw)
I can't believe I worried about fitting into that can can skirt, because I have plenty of room...however, I won't be dancing in that skirt for a while. I broke my toe. :( sad summer.

I don't think I could ever sympathize with injured people accurately, until now. ouch. NOW I understand. I also know that a toe is NO BIG DEAL compared to a lot of things, but it's still a pain and it's robbing me of my joy right now.

Pray. I know, that should work things out right? Well, I think God is teaching me so much right now, that He is not healing me as quickly as I would like to on PURPOSE. He is definitely teaching me lessons. Honestly, sitting down and letting people do things for me is a lesson. It brings them joy to be able to help. I learned that in "90 minutes in Heaven" too, but now it's definitely being reinforced.

In other news....
I think I have been a light this summer, but the perfectionist in me is telling me it hasn't been bright enough. so now, I'm trying to kick it up a notch, just not with my right foot. lol?

and once again, my serious post has turned corny. That's definitely been a theme lately. Maybe it's the pain meds. yep.

Ramen on a Saturday

I have exactly 6 minutes and three seconds to finish typing this and go get my laundry out of the dryer.

I sprinted for a long time last night with Meg, and swam a bunch of laps this morning, and I treaded water for 6 minutes straight! (not bad for a beginner) All to get in shape for Discoveryland!

I admit that I'll be fine the way I am, but If I'm going to aviod busting out of that tiny can-can skirt I need to get with it!

Finals week is fastly approaching, but I will not let it defeat me.
I have most things under controll, but the 5 compositions I need to write (music) are SO time consuming! I am awesome at writing for 4-part choir, but when you add in a 25 piece wind ensemble, things get a little messy.

Overall, I'm stoked for this summer and next year, but terribly sad that this year is coming to an end, and that my two best friends are leaving me. One is getting married, which makes things even worse. :(

By the way, I'm completely single again and it's a beautiful thing. I was not ready for a commitment that I couldn't handle.

Sometimes being a perfectionist gets the best of me.

So I know it's not the healthiest but I just finished off some Ramen, and I'm going to go get my laundry now.

Pieces

"Don't break me, I bruise easily.....Please take care of me. This is a message from your heart, your most devoted body part, taking blood and making art." -Kina Grannis

Maybe we aren't supposed to live our lives looking for the missing pieces, maybe we ARE the pieces.

Like a children's puzzle.
God is the foundation, the cardboard backing, that everything fits in.
When God agrees with our decisions, the pieces fit, and they stick.
People will stick in your life if they are meant to be there.
When two pieces fit together so perfectly, let God "glue" them in place.

I have met someone I don't want to lose.
But I pray.
I pray that if he is not supposed to "stick around" that I would not waste time and energy
trying to cram a puzzle piece where it doesn't go,
where it will never fit.
And that I would not I tear other pieces to try to make this ONE fit.
Because the whole puzzle would be ruined.
It would never be whole.

But also...
I pray that since he fits so well right now,
I will not lose this connection.
The complete feeling I get when I am with him.

Faith is completly trusting something you can't see.
I am trying to have faith in this feeling.
Maybe too much.
I'll never know if I don't try.

Life is passing us all by, so quit looking for the pieces and be one.
Glue yourself into the foundation of God, and wait.

Maybe then one will find you.

Something New

"This could be the start of something new, it feels so right to be here with you. And now, lookin in your eyes, I feel in my heart the start of something new." Gabriella in HSM

Finally some new challenges face me.
I am learning to be more open about my faith to others, and I'm planning on going on my first mission trip this Spring Break, Lord willing.
This is brand new to me.

Yesterday,
I asked God to help me while going through Soularium card training. (an evangalism tool)
At first I was weary to use these cards to reach someone, then I realized that the cards don't do the work for you, they just start conversations.
After some practice and the training was over, God opened a HUGE door.

My friend Megan and I came back to my room, and ran into my Korean roommate.
She asked us where we had been and what we were doing, and that's all it took.
Within minutes we were sitting at my living room table going through the cards and questions.
To make a wonderful, long story short, she didn't know how to pray, so we helped her, and she accepted Jesus Christ last night. PRAISE THE LORD!
I'm so happy that I was able to experience and help with the process. I had a freebie pocket bible in my room that I quickly ran to get and put her name in it, because she didn't have one of her own. She is eager, and that is so encouraging.

God used me.
In a way I was scared of, and new too.
He is preparing me for my trip, and I thank him so much.

I can't wait to spend ETERNITY in Heaven with my roommate Hye Yun.

I titled this post as Something New, because other things in my life are new too.
New interests,
new joy,
new hope,
and a new me.

This is the feeling I have been praying for,
I was in a rut with all of my school work and distractions.

I'm very excited to walk through some of the other doors what God has opened, that I have not mentioned yet, because I want them to go perfectly.
One makes my heart sing.
One brings me new Joy.

Prayer and faith has brought me to where I am, and it all started for me a time ago, the same way it started for Hye Yun last night.

Wow. I think I like New things.

Isiah 12:2
Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid,
the Lord, the LORD, is my strenth and my song;
He has become my salvation.

Reoccurring Themes

There's been a reoccurring theme within my posts, if you can't tell.
1. Faith and my struggle with trusting in the Lord and doubting myself.
2. Being distracted by the male race, and trying to find Mr. Perfect, or "The ONE."
3. Trying too hard to be accepted, and caring too much about my appearance.

I'm upset to admit that those are the same things that challenge me today.

I am trying to trust that God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself, and I need to be patient. Once I wait long enough, I'm sure the Lord will show me that I will need to sacrifice my plans for His plans.

I'm still hung up on the idea of not knowing when I may meet "the man of my dreams" and thinking he could be anywhere. My girlfriends tell me that he will find me, and I don't need to be looking, but I can't help being hopeful, and too optimistic.

I've met guys that I think are really great. I mean really really great. They are everything I want. They are men of God, respect women, have big dreams, talent, ethics and morals, determination, and funny. They are so much more than those things, but I'll try to keep it short. They are not MY someone, but they are someone's someone. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but I guess it reassures me that there really are some great guys left out there girls. I just haven't found MINE yet. At least, I don't know it yet.

Lastly, I still find myself primping every morning...for no reason other than to look my best "just in case" I meet "THE ONE" today. Because, afterall you never know right?

It's all silly, and it all occupies my mind. They are my distractions. They keep me from being the Confident-trusting-forviging-respectable-down-to-earth woman I want to be.

I will be.

The meaning of the title of this blog "Wrapped Up" is exactly what I want to be.

A woman so wrapped up in God that people have to see Him first to see me.

Love. never. fails.

1 Corinthians 13

Love is Patient, Love is kind, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,
LOVE NEVER FAILS.

A long talk with a friend just revealed to me, Love is patient.
Why am I in a hurry to date?
I should be patient.
We all know my plate is already full,
so why am I looking so hard?

Love is kind.
I shouldn't poke fun at my friends to show them I like them.
It tears them down.

Love always protects.
I'm so blessed that I have male friends that protect me,
care about my heart,
don't want anything bad to happen to me.
They are blessings.
However, they need to know that they are my friends and there are boundaries
so that when I trust them, they don't take that the wrong way.

Love always trusts.
Trusting someone is voluntary.
You have to choose to trust them, and keep trusting them.
I can't waiver in that faith, if I ever decide to give my heart away again.

Love always hopes.
This one gets me.
I am hopeful of every guy I meet, because I never know if he'll be the one.
Love at first sight is not in this verse. I don't know if I believe in it.
I'm too nice, and too hopeful.

Love always perseveres.
Love can overcome anything....IF..
It is love based around Christ.
That's what I want, and what I'm looking for.
I will patiently wait, fearing the Lord, knowing that he is God,
and sometime, somewhere, someday, someone....
will knock my socks off.

untill that day....
GOD'S LOVE NEVER FAILS

whoosh!

Do you hear that sound?

It's the sound of life passing you by.

You miss 100% of the chances you don't take.

"If you're gonna be somebody, if you're gonna go somewhere, you gotta wake up and pay attention..."

I have been wondering why I haven't really accomplished anything lately, while reading my Bible, and I read story after story of people taking HUGE risks, and listening to God.

Wake. up. call.

Whoosh.

Speed Dial

As I sit alone at night watching YouTube videos of past choral experiences,
I envelop myself in atristic feelings.
I remember the joy of making beautiful music,
The way it sounded resonanting in my ears before it hit the audience,
The way it brought me to tears in rehearsals.

Singing is what brought me closer to God.
Songs like Psalm 23, and selections from Handel's Messiah are my roots.
The first songs I could feel God working in, talking specifically to me.
Like a phone call.

Then there's the countless love songs, that make me extremely happy and jealous at the same time.
Winter by Z. Randall Stroope is a slow choral piece that says,
"Come close to me, my strength, my life."
I can sing that song and pretend like I know what this feeling feels like, but I can only imagine.
So I wait. God, I'm waiting.

Rene Clausen wrote a beautiful piece to his wife for Valentine's Day (this makes me happy and jealous too....and puke a little bit)
that says, "Oh my love's like a red, red, rose that's newly sprung in June. Oh my love's like a melody that's sweetly played in tune. I will love the still my dear, 'til all the seas run dry. So deep in love am I."
God knew I'd have a tough Valentine's Day and this would pull me through. It's like He left this song on my voice mail, to listen to later.
And it worked.
The cadences, melodies, harmonies, and emotion take over me.
Music is more than meets the ear to me.
It's an experience.

As I watch the sea of bright pages turn simultaneously, or like a giant wave across the deep angelic choir, I remember why I do what I do.
It's for God.

So whilst my directors push me to become a better musican, I will stay true to my love for music, and use it for the glory of God. No matter how much fun they try to suck out of it.
Whilst I am humbled by the fact I am not nearly as talented as my comrades, I will praise God for everything he DID give me.

Music is my anti-drug, my release, my paint.
My passion, my hobby, my heartbeat.
My direct line to God.

FAITH

Faith (Feyth) n.: Belief in something you cannot see. SYN: Trust

I recently had a talk with a friend about how much faith I have in God, and that gets me through life, and delievers me. I believed every word I said. I wear a ring around my finger with the precious word inscribed on it. It's what I thought I had enough of, but you can never have enough FAITH.

Hebrews 11

1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.

2-40 Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Issac, Jacob, Esau, Joseph, Moses, David, Samuel, and the Prophets all had FAITH.

FAITH gets us through trials,
FAITH saves us,
FAITH heals us,
FAITH leads us into the unknown,
FAITH leads us closer to God.

This hit me like a 18 wheeler,
I have been praying the same prayer and God is sick of hearing it.
He knows the desires of my heart, and he wants me to have FAITH that he will take care of them, and answer them when the time is right.

I guess having faith ties in with being patient.
I hear you God.
I'll be patiently waiting with the strongest faith inside of me.
For You,
And all you have in store for me
In your wonderful plan for my life.

If you're struggling with something, and you've prayed for it a time or two(or a million if you are me) my advice to you is to let it be. God hears you the first time. Trust in Him, and have a little faith. (or a lot!)

Greater things are yet to come. But you gotta have faith.