Preparation

God is looking down at me laughing right now, and shakig his head at me saying, "Becca, just you wait. You have no idea what I have in store for you. Quit worrying about things. I have everything planned out for you and you will be amazed. Prepare to have your socks knocked off!"

so here I am. PREPARING myself to have my socks knocked off. trying to have as much coffee and fun as possible along the way.

Special two Missy Higgins solo dance

Unwrapped

I think somewhere between my school work, dedication to commitments, and going on a couple of dates I have become unwrapped.

Never have I been so stunned and disappointed at how far I feel I have drifted off of my spiritual and failthful path of walking with my Lord, Jesus.

I want to be unshakable, yet vulnerable. Strong but able to depend on others. Independent but trusting.

I think maintaining balance is one of the million keys to my happiness. It's so delicate. I'm not one to be over-dramatic so I'm not trying to blow things out of proportion. It doesn't take much to throw off the balance and send me in a downward spiral looking for something besides to hold on to and I like to believe I'm not the only one.

The point is that Becca needs to get her buh-donk in gear and wrap herself in Christ again so tightly that the guy of my dreams will have to seek first His kingdom to see me.

I know it's easier said than done, but it's possible and it's happening. I just needed to type this out in black and white to remind myself that it's a permanent change.

I still need to work on ME, so that one day...Lord willing, and I promise not to rush it, I can be a part of a wonderful WE.

I promise not to doubt myself and the things I have going for me. I'm not "The Perfect Woman" but I am a pretty cool, classy young lady with some talent planted by God himself, who happens to think that she'll be a good catch some day if she can re-establish the spiritual stability I once had, and will have again.

"Wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27:14

Let's be real. I'm not wrapped up in Christ like I want to be. What do you want?

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." -Phil 4:6

Jumping

I can't describe the wonderful things that I'm facing in life right now. Nor am I going to try.

All I can say is that God presented me something so wonderful when I least expected it....READY OR NOT. BOOM!

Sometimes when God hands us things, we look to a place to put it....in the corner, far away...in our bag, next to our side...in our pocket, next to our heart....

I guess I am at the point where I'm trying to decide where to put this wonderful suprise.

I've decided. I've prayed. I know where this is going, and I think I like it, but what am I so afraid of? Oh yeah, about those scars. Refer back to a post from a loooooong time ago. Yep I've been dropped like an atom bomb before.

I'm so ready to bungee jump off of this cliff with the suprise in my pocket, on the right side of my chest....I just hope....and pray....that the bungee holds, and I dont hit rock bottom.

Being in Love is the greatest thing.... Ok ...God's Love is the FIRST greatest thing, and being in Love is just a branch off of that. I capitalized Love because I think it's so important, and special, and holy, and wonderful. Love makes people do crazy things....

like jump.

:) So I'm jumping.

If things fall through, If I'm wrong, Jesus is my parachute. He will catch me, and lead me to safety. Every time. Anytime. All the time.

So is the tiny ounce of fear I once had holding me back?

Absolutely not.

With God as my captain, I'm ready to set sail. Let him do his thing. All I have to say is "Yes."

Special Two

"...When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day ever make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake up completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we're the special two once again.

And we will only need each other, we'll breathe together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll blees together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.

...I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down,
'cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.

When we would only need eacho other, we'd breathe together, Our hands would not be taught to hold another's We're the special two." -Missy Higgins

Drunk on hope.

I received news today. I'm not sure whether it's good news or bad news, but nevertheless it is news.
I can't dance for another two weeks. boo!
God has taught me many things since my last post. Things like "Shut up and listen" all the way down to: "Do you love me?" "Of course I love you!" "feed my sheep" you know how it goes.
My biggest struggle currently is finding happiness and fulfilment during this time.
Being active makes me happy, doing activities makes me happy. Sitting on the couch does not do it for me. T.V. doesn't either. Being the "Crip" is no fun.
Gimpy is not Becca. I don't slow down. Not for anything. Not ever. Not this time. Wait....yep. This time I have to. There's another lesson. Maybe to be the person I'm working so hard to be I need to stop. breathe. and think. Not to be confused with breathing while thinking about not stopping. a.k.a. usual Becca style.
Sitting and talking with God, listening, and hearing what I need to hear has been really hard. I'm not going to lie, it's still not happening the way I know He wants. Why is it so hard for me to stop? What do I have to lose? I have EVERYTHING to gain. That's the reality.
I know God will heal me, in his time, on his watch. I am drunk on hope that I get better tomorrow, but let's face it. It's probably not going to happen. I am not a superior being. If it takes 4-6-8 weeks to heal a bone, I'm human just like everyone else, and it's going to take that long for me to heal too. What was I thinking?
I was thinking "not me. not a dancer. not my job that I love."
It is me. It does stink.
Dear Becca, life is not a fairytale. Not for you. Not for Cinderella. Not for anyone.

Let's all take in a huge dose of reality. Here it is, on a spoon, open wide:
Turn off the computer and other distractions, dust off that Bible, read it, and pray.
It's truly amazing what you will discover.

Tired and Broken.

Well...It's been a couple of months since my last post. It is absolutely crazy how things change so fast. I was right about a few things. I feel empty with my two besties not being with me every day. I'm so excited for one to get married, but I don't want to share her, even though I know that is selfish. Also, it doesn't help the fact that I most likely won't have a date to her wedding, because I wouldn't take just anyone. that was selfish too...huh?

On that note, I met a WONDERFUL guy. (cue pretty music now) yep. However, for God's reasoning...or his... the timing wasn't right, (Stop music) and I don't know why I thought that a relationship could bloom from a very brief friendship. duh. Those usually don't work out and are called "flings." I don't know anymore, but the Becca I used to know would NEVER have a "fling" and be okay with that. So, there's another wake up call: Base relationships on strong friendships.

ok, I found her. Becca is back. whew.

looking back at previous post (which I feel really silly about now btw)
I can't believe I worried about fitting into that can can skirt, because I have plenty of room...however, I won't be dancing in that skirt for a while. I broke my toe. :( sad summer.

I don't think I could ever sympathize with injured people accurately, until now. ouch. NOW I understand. I also know that a toe is NO BIG DEAL compared to a lot of things, but it's still a pain and it's robbing me of my joy right now.

Pray. I know, that should work things out right? Well, I think God is teaching me so much right now, that He is not healing me as quickly as I would like to on PURPOSE. He is definitely teaching me lessons. Honestly, sitting down and letting people do things for me is a lesson. It brings them joy to be able to help. I learned that in "90 minutes in Heaven" too, but now it's definitely being reinforced.

In other news....
I think I have been a light this summer, but the perfectionist in me is telling me it hasn't been bright enough. so now, I'm trying to kick it up a notch, just not with my right foot. lol?

and once again, my serious post has turned corny. That's definitely been a theme lately. Maybe it's the pain meds. yep.

Ramen on a Saturday

I have exactly 6 minutes and three seconds to finish typing this and go get my laundry out of the dryer.

I sprinted for a long time last night with Meg, and swam a bunch of laps this morning, and I treaded water for 6 minutes straight! (not bad for a beginner) All to get in shape for Discoveryland!

I admit that I'll be fine the way I am, but If I'm going to aviod busting out of that tiny can-can skirt I need to get with it!

Finals week is fastly approaching, but I will not let it defeat me.
I have most things under controll, but the 5 compositions I need to write (music) are SO time consuming! I am awesome at writing for 4-part choir, but when you add in a 25 piece wind ensemble, things get a little messy.

Overall, I'm stoked for this summer and next year, but terribly sad that this year is coming to an end, and that my two best friends are leaving me. One is getting married, which makes things even worse. :(

By the way, I'm completely single again and it's a beautiful thing. I was not ready for a commitment that I couldn't handle.

Sometimes being a perfectionist gets the best of me.

So I know it's not the healthiest but I just finished off some Ramen, and I'm going to go get my laundry now.

Pieces

"Don't break me, I bruise easily.....Please take care of me. This is a message from your heart, your most devoted body part, taking blood and making art." -Kina Grannis

Maybe we aren't supposed to live our lives looking for the missing pieces, maybe we ARE the pieces.

Like a children's puzzle.
God is the foundation, the cardboard backing, that everything fits in.
When God agrees with our decisions, the pieces fit, and they stick.
People will stick in your life if they are meant to be there.
When two pieces fit together so perfectly, let God "glue" them in place.

I have met someone I don't want to lose.
But I pray.
I pray that if he is not supposed to "stick around" that I would not waste time and energy
trying to cram a puzzle piece where it doesn't go,
where it will never fit.
And that I would not I tear other pieces to try to make this ONE fit.
Because the whole puzzle would be ruined.
It would never be whole.

But also...
I pray that since he fits so well right now,
I will not lose this connection.
The complete feeling I get when I am with him.

Faith is completly trusting something you can't see.
I am trying to have faith in this feeling.
Maybe too much.
I'll never know if I don't try.

Life is passing us all by, so quit looking for the pieces and be one.
Glue yourself into the foundation of God, and wait.

Maybe then one will find you.

Something New

"This could be the start of something new, it feels so right to be here with you. And now, lookin in your eyes, I feel in my heart the start of something new." Gabriella in HSM

Finally some new challenges face me.
I am learning to be more open about my faith to others, and I'm planning on going on my first mission trip this Spring Break, Lord willing.
This is brand new to me.

Yesterday,
I asked God to help me while going through Soularium card training. (an evangalism tool)
At first I was weary to use these cards to reach someone, then I realized that the cards don't do the work for you, they just start conversations.
After some practice and the training was over, God opened a HUGE door.

My friend Megan and I came back to my room, and ran into my Korean roommate.
She asked us where we had been and what we were doing, and that's all it took.
Within minutes we were sitting at my living room table going through the cards and questions.
To make a wonderful, long story short, she didn't know how to pray, so we helped her, and she accepted Jesus Christ last night. PRAISE THE LORD!
I'm so happy that I was able to experience and help with the process. I had a freebie pocket bible in my room that I quickly ran to get and put her name in it, because she didn't have one of her own. She is eager, and that is so encouraging.

God used me.
In a way I was scared of, and new too.
He is preparing me for my trip, and I thank him so much.

I can't wait to spend ETERNITY in Heaven with my roommate Hye Yun.

I titled this post as Something New, because other things in my life are new too.
New interests,
new joy,
new hope,
and a new me.

This is the feeling I have been praying for,
I was in a rut with all of my school work and distractions.

I'm very excited to walk through some of the other doors what God has opened, that I have not mentioned yet, because I want them to go perfectly.
One makes my heart sing.
One brings me new Joy.

Prayer and faith has brought me to where I am, and it all started for me a time ago, the same way it started for Hye Yun last night.

Wow. I think I like New things.

Isiah 12:2
Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid,
the Lord, the LORD, is my strenth and my song;
He has become my salvation.